I Really Want to Win an Ipad2

So I filled out this survey. Can you tell that I don't want to ride the bus? Or survey my neighbors to see if any of them work in Valley Junction, and want to be included in my irratic morning schedule?  Given the obnoxious theme of my responses, you'll likely hear from me soon with the news that I have broken my leg or lost my license.  Now please, all knock on wood in unison for me.

Tales of a Spray Tan

I just got my snookie on. My best friend, Jamie Chris gets married on Saturday.  Exactly 3 days from today, 1 day after the royal wedding, if you're paying any attention to that whole mess. Anyway, if you know me, you know I'm a pale white goddess who happens to be moderately terrified of tanning booths as well as vane. I like to look my best, and right now, I'm not really feeling at the top of my game.  I need some color. It's been a long winter.  So, I've experimented with the spray tan booth before, and even tho this didn't happen, I wasn't completely satisfied...lots of weird stipulations, spotting and streaking. Due to the gravity of the position I'll be in come Saturday (MOH, people!) I figured I should go all out with the airbrush tan instead.  In this application, an uber tan application artist, in my case, Amy, asks you to strip down to 'your comfort level' and put on the same hair net that Ross was wearing in the previous clip.  I do as I'm asked and shiver patiently while waiting for her to return. Amy knocks on the door and lets herself back in the tiny cold room.  I noticed a couple things while examining my nearly nude self in the wonky mirrors that are lining the room:

1. I  need a tan.
2. My face looks really thin, but my stomach and thighs do not.
3. This would be hell for someone with body dysphoria disorder.

Luckily I do not have BDD, but I do need a tan. Good thing Amy is back.  She gives quick orders on how our exchange is going to go....I go along with her. Throughout the process I hear these directions:

• Spread your legs a little wider.
• Now, turn around, raise your arm, and bring one foot forward.
• Now spread your legs a little wider.
• Switch legs, bring your other arm up.
• Bring your feet together.
• Now spread your legs a little wider.

You get the point, yes, I'm doing the splits by this point, and lots of time spent on the bottom half. I'm wondering if I would get a deal if I just got the top half done. Afterall, I am wearing a strapless floor length dress for this occasion.

Directions upon completion of my experience with Amy. 'The longer you wait to shower, the longer your tan will stay. Now, when you're in the shower, the bronzer is going to come off, that's NATURAL, that's what is supposed to happen. Don't sweat tonight. Don't get wet. Don't wash your hands with soapy water. Wear loose clothing. Any questions?'  Nope.

We go out to the register. Yes, I've re-robed by this point. Amy reiterates the top 4 points. Don't get wet, don't sweat, make sure to moisturize after showering, wear loose clothing. Have a nice night. See you next time!

I'll post pics tomorrow. Hopefully the fact that I just washed my hands doesn't make me turn out like a spotted Snookie. Keep your fingers crossed for single boys.

The Real Cost of Dating in America; Don't Bank on Your Assumptions

Wish I could share this with the last guy I stopped dating...I think he was one of those guys who seemed a little overly concerned with money, or as the old saying goes, just not that into me.  Anyway, for one reason or another, seemed to be feeling the $$ pressure (that I don't feel like I put on anyone).

In all reality, I'm kind of intimidated by expensive nights out, and rarely impressed with someone throwing money around.  And, to be honest, don't especially feel comfortable or enjoy spending time staring into another's eyes over a dimly lit tablescape. If given the choice of dinner at a nice restaurant or people watching at any random location throughout the city, I choose cheapo people watching. At least that way you can find common grounds between one another that is far more interesting than, 'So, how's the pasta?' The Real Cost of Dating in America; Don't Bank on Your Assumptions

This is how you make 300 Cupcakes and a sweet display

Step 1: We can have lots of fun. (NKOTB).  Jk....

For reals, Traci made a few dozen decorated cupcakes for Kayla's shower, and after a few days of talking about how fun it would be to make them by the hundred instead of dozen, we volunteered to become quasi professional bakers for a day and 'do' her wedding.  After a month of freaking out over not finding the right recipe - we weren't using boxes, people! - we finally decided on 3, all modified from Martha, baker blogs, and other miscellaneous websites we were scouring.  Lemon with Lemon Cream Cheese Buttercream, Chocolate with Buttercream, and my accidental last minute modified Pina Colada with Fluffy White and Toasted Coconut.  The details about my modification will come later.

Our baking expeditions usually came after a night of this...

Anyway, now that you have the idea of the professionals you're dealing with, enter Traci with the power tools and ideas.

Starting the Display.

 

    

And now for the baking...someone named me might be trying to hide the fact that she may or may not be wearing a bra while baking at 7:50 a.m. on a Friday off from work, judge if you must.

                                                                 

                   

And after a nice, coffee fueled 2+ hour drive on Saturday, we made it to Forest City to begin the set up and icing!

 

                            

The Finished Product!

And finally, a word from my other half

You may notice while reading this entry that indeed, it is not from the fingertips of the original obnoxiousPOV, but I've aggreed to let favorite roommate take my platform and spout off for a bit...afterall, we did co-write the blog that I deleted in a fit of panic :) Enjoy!

I was reading up on some articles the other day and stumbled across two in particular that caught my eye: 10 things not to say to a stay-at-home mom and 10 things not to say to a working mom. I read them, laughed and thought “what about 10 things not to say to a single person?” I’ve come up with a list of 10 questions that I am tired of hearing. I am single, although I do have a significant other, and some of these questions I think people just assume it’s okay to ask since you’re dating. Well I’ve got news for you, it’s not. Stop asking, please.

When are you getting married?- Um just as soon as I have a ring on my finger I’ll let you know. This question is just awkward, especially if the SO is around. Yes we’ve talked about it and come to the conclusion that we’re in no rush. Why does every married couple think everyone has to get married? I figure about the time my married friends are getting divorced is the time I’ll get married – what a party that would be!

When are you having kids?-Ah yes, just because you enjoy not sleeping, never doing anything for yourself and not vacationing doesn’t mean that I’m ready to do all that. I’m not even sure I want kids – they seem like a LOT of work and I have a hard enough time managing myself. And PS, my dog has lived with my parents for 3 years now. I’ve been told you can’t do that with kids so I’ll just stick to myself and I for now.

When are you buying a house?- Great question. How about when I have absolutely nothing else I want to do with my money…or until I pay off the remodeling project from my first house with the ex. If anyone knows me, they know I’ve already been down this road and while it worked out well for him, his new wife and baby, it didn’t work out so well for me, financially. I still get the joy of owning a kitchen in a house I no longer live in every month on the 1^st, and will for the next 83 years thanks to my fabulous credit cards.

Will you watch my child (for free)?-Okay, I don’t mind watching your child, really I don’t. But watching your child for FREE every time, well, it’s getting old. Yes, I realize you think I have nothing else to do with my time and that I probably just go to work and that’s it, but I have lots of other things that I like to do for myself. Stop taking advantage of the single friends – pay them as you’d pay a normal babysitter. We’re not there just to hang out with you 18 month old and watch cartoons.

Want me to put your name on the wedding/shower/etc gift?-I’ve been asked this question a lot recently and it’s SUPER annoying. A married friend of mine and I were in the same wedding and I volunteered to do (way too much) stuff for the wedding so I was cramped for time. But I don’t need you to ask me if I want you to put my name on the gift you and your husband are getting her, and only spending $20 on. Do you think about that question at all first?? “Lots of love and congratulations – Signed Wife, Husband and Traci.” I realize I may not have time to actually get them a gift to have at the wedding, but don’t make me look like I’m a complete slack-off and can’t do this on my own. Plus, my parents were at this wedding, I’d just tack my name onto their card if I was really pressed for time.

What do you do with all your free time?-Oh free time; I apparently have so much of it you think I can babysit anytime I’m needed. Well married folk, here is what I do with my free time. I hang out with friends, go to the gym, go to the bar, go on vacations, go shopping, and do pretty much anything I want to.

Have you talked to your ex?-Oh remember how I broke up with him? Why would I want to talk to him? Don’t you remember anything about our breakup?? I don’t ask you if you’ve talked to your ex, don’t ask me if I’ve talked to mine.

The following question does not pertain to single people in the least bit, but it’s one that’s been on my mind. For said wedding noted above, I volunteered myself and roomie to make 300 cupcakes for the reception. So most recently, we’ve been asked “How long does it take to make 300 cupcakes?” Well, considering we’d NEVER DONE IT BEFORE how the hell would I know? We watch Cupcake Wars, but those people are serious professionals and end up with baking assistants. But now after much prep and planning, I can actually answer this question honestly: 6 hours for baking, 2 hours for frosting prep and about 4 hours for frosting and set up. You may now ask me this question anytime you’d like, but please, stop asking me all those other dumb questions!

Must I share the road?

Here is my list of annoying drivers, stereotyped, generalized and listed in order of annoyance.  Keep your words of offence to yourself.

1.  The dipshit who doesn't read the spot on the registration sheet that clearly states "the sticker goes right here". With a hand and finger pointing to the place on the license plate, for the illiterate and non-English speaking amongst us.  We don't need to know how many years you've maintained your license plates. We don't need to see that you support gay pride by making a rainbow of the past 7 years of colorful stickers around your plates. Just put the damn sticker over top of last years! You're doing it wrong.

2. I assume if you have the state flower or bird license plates, you may as well have the handicapped thing hanging from your rear view mirror. It translates into 'I'm going to hang out here at this green right turn arrow, or sit and watch the light turn from red to green and just chill'.

3.  Everyone in West Des Moines. You think you're special. I don't care. But you're annoying as hell.  I hate this town.

4. The guy who has the personalized plate LUVDOGS and I've inadvertently been stalking for the past few months.  This guy sucks.  He stops 10 feet before every intersection, is indecisive on which lane he wants to be in, and has 16 magnetic stickers all over his SUV.  Dog paws, stickers about saving the animals...I get it. You've got 6 kennels in your precious urine scented cargo carrier, now move it.

5.  The a-hole who speeds up to pass you, only to cut you off in the same lane, with less than 2 car lengths between you and the other car that said a-hole is now tailing.  (Sidenote: I've been known to do this a time or two, but I always apologize sincerely to my passengers, and believe that translates to the person I just cut off.)

6. My co-worker 'Gene'.  He's an idiot, and I had to ride to a customer's office with him a couple days ago.  He is retiring soon, but still has the road rage and impatience of a 16 year old driver who was just given a 10 year old Camry with a stick shift.  Gene makes it onto all of my annoying lists these days tho, including: People Who Talk, People who Sit Next To Me, and Annoying People who Hate Life, but insist on remaining in mine and making it suck.


I need anger management.