Just when you thought I couldn't get any dumber...

If you've been keeping track lately, I haven't necessarily been kicking ass and taking names. I've had what one may call, 'a good run of bad luck.'  I'm not dying and as far as I know, I'm healthy so it's nothing serious, but it is enough to give me a headache and a bad attitude.  So, tonight I come home from work with all intentions of going to the gym for the first time in a month or so.  My plan is to come home, watch the news, convince myself I'm smarter than everyone on Wheel of Fortune and then go run in place at the gym and watch the Olympic beach volleyball gold metal match.  I promptly change into my gym clothes so I don't talk myself out of it, charge my ipod for an hour and I'm ready to go.  I grab my phone and ipod and head out the door.  Halfway down the stairs I realize I forgot my water bottle, turn around and just then I realize,  I don't have my keys. Son. Of. A. Bitch.  I go to the door, turn the handle just to make sure I wasn't overreacting, but yes, it is indeed locked.  I google a locksmith and call, they'll be here in 15-30 minutes. So I hang out on the balcony, checking for wandering criminals, shoot out a few texts, and the guy shows up within about 20 minutes. Not too shabby.

While I was hoping for the male stripper version of a locksmith (similar to the often envisioned hot cable guy or hot Mid American guy that I've never gotten), I knew better than to expect that. Just a week ago I watched a locksmith come to the rescue of a guy locked out of his car outside our office.  The locksmith showed up in a 1992 Taurus with no hub caps, a coat hanger and a sideways hat. I adjusted my expectations, but one can dream. 

Up the stairs comes an 18 year old kid. He turns the doorknob, yep, it's locked. He pulls out his toolkit that looks like he could clean my teeth and fill a cavity with, and looks up at me and says, 'just to let you know, this is going to be $95 plus tax.' 'What? I thought it was $25.' He stands up and says, 'thats only if there's a kid locked in a car.'  'Well remind me to start locking kids inside next time!'  He chuckles, I don't.   I don't need this shit right now, but what's my other option, hit the screen out of my bathroom window and jump from the balcony into my window?  'Ok, fine, proceed.'  He wiggles an Allen wrench (or in April Hageman terms, 'monkey wrench') in the keyhole and takes out a nail file and starts shaking it. I'm sure there is some method to this, but I'm pretty sure I know what to do next time.  That doesn't seem to work so he gets out a small drill, looks at me and goes, 'this isn't going to drill thru, it's just going to vibrate a little bit, pretty much the same thing I'm doing with that tool, just faster.'  (Insert your own dirty joke here.)  He plays around a little bit longer, and then pulls out a folder of plastic cards.  He tells me that if a criminal were to attempt to break into my house, they would use something like this to bypass the locked door, and that if I had used the dead bolt, a criminal can't bypass it without knocking down the door.  Good to know.  So he continues playing with his plastic cards, apparently have switched over into criminal mode, and pops the door open.  Then he looks at me strange and goes, 'are you sure the door was locked?'  'Um yeah, the handle is still locked.' 'But I don't think it was engaged,' he responds, 'I think your door is just heavy and neither of us pushed on it when we tried turning the knob.'  'You have got to be kidding (or more colorful language) me!'  He tries it a couple more times, locking the door and shutting it and then just pushing it open.  Sweet mother of God, I am an idiot. So, having not used my deadbolt except from when I am actually in the apartment, I have left my door open to intruders every day since I moved in.  Thankfully my friendly, pre-facial hair growing age locksmith sympathized with me a little bit and gave me a 'deal' only charging me $65 to push open my door.  I guess it's time to call someone who can actually fix my lock now.  But good news to all that read this, referral unlocks are only $35! Call me if you need a door unlocked, I can get you a deal.

P.S. I still made it to the gym to see Misty May and Kerri Walsh kick ass.