Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Don't try this in a fragile state

There area  few things I've done in the past month and a half that have threatened the stability of my life.  Take this as a warning.

1.  I've been riding my bike a lot lately. I love it.  Except for the one time I almost got the life squeezed out of me on Polk Blvd., I really love my time outdoors on 2 wheels.  And, once I realized I look pretty sweet with piggy tails sticking out of the bottom of my dude picker upper (aka: helmet) I decided to wear it all the time, we all know I'm not the queen of coordination. Anyway, in an effort to avoid having a sore tush, I went to a bike shop one afternoon to see what the clearance rack had for padded shorts.  That 26 minutes was quite possibly the most painful of 26 minutes of, if not my life, at least the first 12 hours of the day.  Some a-hole made a requirement years ago that fitting rooms must have bright, hot lights, zero ventilation and the square footage that should be considered a confined space. Purchases: $0 at Rassmussen Bike Shop. After work that day I decided to tempt fate one more time and go to Scheels for a more extensive selection.  As I looked around the spandex mecca, one of the sales guys came over to help me - a decision he must have seriously regretted minutes later.  My first uncomfortable question, 'Do people wear underwear under these things?' He said that most don't, but guess what, I think he just wants me once step closer to getting drunk and naked, so I wear 2 pairs.  I tried on what must have been 5 different spandex numbers.  If I hadn't been so grouchy, I would have entertained the guy by trying on one of the triathlon onsies...but I wasn't in the mood, and only got more belligerent with every garment I tried.  I thought I wanted to try the non-spandex padded shorts until the first couple pairs made me look like a lesbian gallivanting around in my brothers swimming trunks. The salesman had an encouraging positive look on his face when I emerged from the fitting room sweating, 'How'd they work?' he asked, 'well, if I was trying to pick up girls, they'd be great. Those are disgusting.'  Ok, lets look at something else...we headed back to the spandex.  We picked up a couple pair of normal black spandex shorts.  Things were just about to get worse....after the episode at the bike shop, I kind of knew that I shouldn't do this, but I had my fingers crossed that it might be a better selection here. Let me tell you, I was wrong again.  Biker shorts were designed by some 95 pound asshole who is mad that all their clothes are baggy. These shorts made my legs look like sausage links that were crimped off between links, but then a 4 year old undid the casing and it's just one long sausage with a big kink in the middle.  Not pretty.  I ended up with a skirt with padded shorts underneath. Why in the hell did I not start with that? I could have saved myself at least one month of therapy.

And, secondly...a couple hours ago I got home from a trip to Target.  On my list was a father's day card, as well as 5 wedding cards to hold me over for the rest of the year (hopefully).  Everyone knows that those lists are merely a suggestion, but since I'm working on a tight budget these days, I quickly ran thru the clearance rack for some summer work outfits. This equated to me finding a few uber casual numbers that I envisioned being able to throw a sweater over the top of and pulling it off on a casual Friday turned happy hour.  Somehow a 'romper' made it into my selections, just to try it out.  Ok, for those of you that may be unfamiliar with the romper, I wish I were too.  It's an adult onsie.  This one was a silky patterned thing that had scrunching around the chest, then cinched at the waist, and went down into loose shorty shorts. This thing was gross.  Coupled with the fact that I have my father's super long upper body and torso, as well as that this thing was fashioned for a 5' tall Traci, it wasn't for me. Use your imagination if you must, but be wasn't that bad. 

P.S. Nothing was added to my closet today. I walked out of Target with a Father's day card and a bulk purchase of blank wedding cards that all my soon to be wedded friends and family will get their own unique Val inspired wedding greeting.  Tada


  1. Val, you should NEVER shop when you're actually looking for something. Wait until that day when you're broke and no time for looking, and you'll find just the right thing:)

  2. Your post made my day. Thanx!!

  3. Val this is hilarious, I loved it, keep 'em coming. Josh