Sunday, August 19, 2012

Iowa State Fair Reflections

Another year of the Iowa State Fair has come and gone.  I was recently reminiscing about previous years and some of the high (or low) points. Some of my biggest fans have been around for these monumental times, so I thought I'd put them together in one place before I forget about how awesome they were....I've already forgotten some of the details.

1. The most infamous ISF moment has got to be the night that I attempted to pick up my friend John at the wrong house. There just so happened to be a guy named John that lived 3 houses down in another red house with a red SUV in the garage.  The wrong John was a retired elderly man with a very concerned wife.  I showed up in proper fair attire, low cut black cowgirl dress, green alligator boots and cowboy hat. Hopefully I never forget that one. But here's a recap!/notes/val-hageman/ben-wanted-me-to-write-a-story-about-how-paul-revere-ate-a-tyranasourus-rexand-h/440646868808.  (Side note: this was the first time I've read that story in nearly 2 years...for some reason I recall it being written better.  But if you'll note the time, it was written at 3:00 a.m., after a wild night at the fair.)  Also, I don't know where or why a Tyrannosaurus Rex came into this story, muchless the title, but I do know that we had Paul Revere's pizza when we got home from the fair, I'm guessing it has something to do with that???

Also noted in this Facebook note was a reference to George Bush.  What the hell does that have to do with anything, you ask?  Well, while John and  I were leaving the fairgrounds that night there was a couple that was getting into a fight, it was about something really stupid, like the lack of cabs at midnight at the fairgrounds.  All of a sudden the guy freaks out, and screams, 'What do you want me to do, call George Bush?!'  It made absolutely no sense.  Barack was already in office, George was nearly helpless at this point.  But the event topped off a really weird night.

2.  I have a picture from this night, but remember few details.  My cousin Amber and I went to a concert at the grandstand. I have no clue who we were there to see, but I do remember that we were in either the very top or 2nd to top row of the upper deck of the grandstands.  We were stuck smack dab in the middle of the section which was terribly inconvenient because we were drinking beers on a pretty aggressive pace.  This started to piss off the teenagers that had to get up and let us thru every 20 minutes and they were got more vocal with their annoyance with every drink that we got.  So, being the courteous person that I am, I decided that since no one was in the seats directly in front of us, that I'd just scale over a row of seats instead of inconveniencing the kids again.  So, I swing one leg over the seat, and as I'm bringing the other over, I hear and feel, rrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppp. Did I mention that I was wearing a knee length jean skirt with a 4" slit in the middle front? Well, it turned into an 18" slit.  Good thing I'm always sporting full coverage undies.  I have a pic of the aftermath somewhere. We'll see if I have the guts to scan it.

3.  Another cousin time, I was in the grandstand with Tara and we were playing catch up and chatting during intermission and then continued thru the next concert. Again, I don't remember who we were there to see.  But our constant chatter must have started to piss off the concert goer in front of us. At one point she turned around and says, 'Are you girls going to talk the entire concert?'  Yikes, I'm guessing this was the first time ever that Tara got in trouble for talking too much. I'll take the blame on this one. Cranky bitch. Live a little.

4.  Leaving the fair one night with some Hagamaroes I encountered another domestic dispute. In this case, the guy was being an absolute jerk, yelling at his girlfriend and being completely out of control. I took it upon myself to stick up for this stranger, interrupted and said something along the lines of, "Honey, you don't have to put up with this asshole, why are you letting him talk to you this way?' This made Super Ass much more furious and irate.  So I continued sticking up for her and started my own argument with him. This turned out to be really dumb, and I ended it.  Not before attempting to literally kick his ass with my green boots.  Mind you, I was 3 feet behind him and just mocking the motions, well, I got a little ambitious in one of my last attempts to 'kick' his ass and did a super high kick, while walking across 30th Street at Dean Avenue (one of the main and busiest gates at the fair for some of you non regulars) with at least 200 other late night fair leavers.  Side note: this fair night I was sporting some torn up jeans with holes up and down the legs as well as a hole in the bottom leaving the hem just flailing behind.  At some point during my wind up and execution,the bottom hem of my torn up jeans got stuck under the heel of my boot. Once my jeans realized they were being stretched to their max, and my heel extended, this stopped me in my tracks and I ended up high-kicking myself to the ground and landed square on my butt.  This impressed everyone around. I think at least one Hagamaroe peed herself.

I'm sure there are more, but as I've stated earlier, the devil is in the details and I'm getting old.  Feel free to add your best ISF moments in the comments.