Sunday, February 20, 2011

We've got to be getting close to Fertile!

ROAD TRIP!  Old roommie, Kayla is getting married in March, so me and a few friends headed north to Forest City to help celebrate her last night out as a wild single gal.  Picked up Reannan and Kristina and then headed to Ankeny to pick up Jamie Chris.  As we were on our way to get JC, Reannan mentioned that she had been out this way returning a stripper's fireman costume from a party she went to.  Yes, same stripper from previously told, 'Then I went on a date with a stripper' post.  Hilariously small world! 

After about 30 minutes on the road we got a little restless so I popped in a sweet CD I had made earlier that morning.  A little Salt-N-Pepa will get this road trip riled up!  Guaranteed.  We rocked out to a couple more songs, and then came super hit, Grow A Pear, by our favorite party girl, Ke$ha.  Probably the best song ever.   Another hour goes by, we haven't turned since we got on the interstate...finally find our exit, and the first booming metropolis that we see with a gas pump and open station is a Pronto store in Fertile.  We stop in Fertile to relieve our bursting bladders and bring the cooler from the trunk to the front of the car.  I make a comment that we have 3 - 12 packs of Busch Light amongst the 4 of us, if we run out of beer, tomorrow is going to suck, really bad (stay tuned to how this ends up). Let me say that the 23 year old cashier at Pronto looked us all up and down like we had a tit growing on our foreheads. We agreed that Fertile was the type of place where you either buy a winning lottery ticket or are killed in a dramatic and gruesome manner that would surely inspire a Lifetime movie. The girls get a Busch Light for the last 10 minutes of our trip (or so says the gps on my phone that lost signal while we were in Fertile).  We make our way into Forest City and find Jeanna's house where the party is starting at.  Amazed, we show up exactly on time - 7 bells!  Sup hoes?!!!  Everyone introduces themselves and says how they know Kayla, the first girl introduces herself as she gathers her thoughts, pausing before she says how she knows Kayla, I yell out 'Bowersox'.  Went over like a lead balloon.  No one thinks I'm as funny as I do. Damn it.

The bus shows up a couple hours later and we hop aboard, all clad in white tops....we are the angels in a black light heaven, or a sexy KKK road trip. 

Awesomeness ensues, one trip thru the Pamida parking lot, a little pole dancing, some jell-o shots, and screaming along to party songs as we travel all around northern Iowa in our sweet bus.  We were at each location just long enough to chug a beer and sell a couple wiener pops.  At one of the last stops I apparently made friends with some strange girl.  She wanted to join our party and I encouraged her to come along.  Someone else must have had at least one functioning brain cell and told her that it wasn't a very good idea.  We leave and go to the next bar. By this point our bachelorette had been puking her guts out for at least a 1/2 hour.  We make one last stop, in which I opted to stay on the bus to terrorize Kayla. The girls that went in that bar are claiming that my girlfriend beat us to this bar and was looking for me :) Go me....I think I'm better at picking up girls than I am boys. 

Now headed home, we drop pukey McGee off at her house with a bunch of the other girls that were staying with her.  Me and my crew stay on the bus for the last stop.  We somehow missed the memo that everyone was staying at Kayla's, and ended up staying at her brother and sister in law's house, with Kayla's mom - we all grab our bags, pillows and blankets and make our nests in the middle of the living room floor.  The other 3 change into jammies, sweats and tshirts.  I unbuttoned my jeans, left my belt buckled and added another layer of tshirt to my outfit.  I don't just sleep, I go into lockdown mode like I'm in prison or something.  In the morning we wake up to the loudest rumble of thunder I've ever heard, Jamie had drifted off at some point in the night and made herself at home in the master bedroom.  We're just glad she didn't piss the bed. The weather isn't looking very good so we decide to just get on the road.  And the roads sucked! Bad.  I think it took at least a half hour to make the 15 minute trip back to Fertile.  We didn't stop this time.  There were at least four or five times that the car was veering off the road, and I steered to correct, and the car didn't react in the least bit, I had the steering wheel completely cranked, and the wheels didn't move at all. The freezing rain/sleet was piled up in the road and it was horrible. Luckily by the time we made it onto the interstate the roads improved a little bit and we stopped to got some food.  This is where Kristina reminded me of my girl picking up skills...what an awesome day!


  1. P.S. I just unpacked the cooler. 5 beers left. there is a reason for the pain we're all in today.

  2. In this story, I would be the one that had at least one functioning brain cell left...Here's an abbreviated version of how the conversation went:

    Crazy Drunk Girl - Yay! I'll come along on your party bus. Where we headed next?

    Me - Well, we all paid to ride the bus, and I don't think the people who organized this shindig would appreciate a free-bee hopping on mid-tour.

    Crazy Drunk Girl - Oh, I'll pay. I got money. How much?! Please let me come?

    Me (realizing that she's not going to give up very easily): Actually honey, the truth is that none of us want to wake up next you in the morning...

    Val (as she puts her arm around the girl) - I don't know...she's kinda cute!

    This comment was promptly followed by a roar of laughter and a look on Crazy Drunk Girl's face that conveyed an obvious feeling of validation.

    Me (giggling) - Come on Val, we've got to go.

    Funniest moment of the night, in my opinion :-)

  3. You're right, Julie! That is exactly how I remember it going down! So funny! Thank you for the detailed recap!!!