Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tales of a Spray Tan

I just got my snookie on. My best friend, Jamie Chris gets married on Saturday.  Exactly 3 days from today, 1 day after the royal wedding, if you're paying any attention to that whole mess. Anyway, if you know me, you know I'm a pale white goddess who happens to be moderately terrified of tanning booths as well as vane. I like to look my best, and right now, I'm not really feeling at the top of my game.  I need some color. It's been a long winter.  So, I've experimented with the spray tan booth before, and even tho this didn't happen, I wasn't completely satisfied...lots of weird stipulations, spotting and streaking. Due to the gravity of the position I'll be in come Saturday (MOH, people!) I figured I should go all out with the airbrush tan instead.  In this application, an uber tan application artist, in my case, Amy, asks you to strip down to 'your comfort level' and put on the same hair net that Ross was wearing in the previous clip.  I do as I'm asked and shiver patiently while waiting for her to return. Amy knocks on the door and lets herself back in the tiny cold room.  I noticed a couple things while examining my nearly nude self in the wonky mirrors that are lining the room:

  1. I  need a tan.
  2. My face looks really thin, but my stomach and thighs do not.
  3. This would be hell for someone with body dysphoria disorder.

Luckily I do not have BDD, but I do need a tan. Good thing Amy is back.  She gives quick orders on how our exchange is going to go....I go along with her. Throughout the process I hear these directions:

  • Spread your legs a little wider.
  • Now, turn around, raise your arm, and bring one foot forward.
  • Now spread your legs a little wider.
  • Switch legs, bring your other arm up.
  • Bring your feet together.
  • Now spread your legs a little wider.
You get the point, yes, I'm doing the splits by this point, and lots of time spent on the bottom half. I'm wondering if I would get a deal if I just got the top half done. Afterall, I am wearing a strapless floor length dress for this occasion.

Directions upon completion of my experience with Amy. 'The longer you wait to shower, the longer your tan will stay. Now, when you're in the shower, the bronzer is going to come off, that's NATURAL, that's what is supposed to happen. Don't sweat tonight. Don't get wet. Don't wash your hands with soapy water. Wear loose clothing. Any questions?'  Nope.

We go out to the register. Yes, I've re-robed by this point. Amy reiterates the top 4 points. Don't get wet, don't sweat, make sure to moisturize after showering, wear loose clothing. Have a nice night. See you next time!

I'll post pics tomorrow. Hopefully the fact that I just washed my hands doesn't make me turn out like a spotted Snookie. Keep your fingers crossed for single boys.


  1. Did you come out looking like Juanita?

  2. Wondering why you didn't leave your jeans on for this? Is that not part of the Hageman factor when it comes to stripping down for strangers to either touch or spray your body?

  3. Oh no, the modesty is all Hagamaroe!